Anxious Attachment: How Fear of Abandonment Affects Relationships & How to Heal
Like all relationships, it begins with closeness
What happens when your need for connection clashes with someone’s desire for independence? For Zara, a 32-year-old Black British woman, her relationship with James began as the love story she had always imagined. James was everything she had hoped for: intelligent, thoughtful, family-oriented, and someone who cared deeply about building a future. They bonded over shared values and intentional conversations. Late-night FaceTime calls, lengthy text exchanges about their dream home, and whispered declarations of love made Zara feel that James was her forever.
But love, as Zara would discover, is not just about the perfect moments—it’s about how two people navigate the imperfections. Beneath their seemingly ideal connection lay cracks that Zara couldn’t ignore. Slight inconsistencies in James’ behaviour triggered an unease that she struggled to articulate. He wasn’t unkind or dismissive, but there were moments when Zara felt she was reaching for James while he was retreating into himself. “I feel like I’m chasing him,” Zara admitted during one of our sessions. “I just want him to show me he cares as much as I do.”
Zara’s story isn’t unique. Relationships between individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles often follow a similar pattern: a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. This dynamic left Zara emotionally drained, constantly questioning whether she was enough for James. And for James, it reinforced his instinct to pull away as he wrestled with his fears of vulnerability and emotional dependency.
This is a story about how attachment styles can profoundly shape relationships. Still, more importantly, it’s about how one woman learned to break the cycle. Zara’s journey toward healing and self-discovery reminds us that love begins with yourself—and sometimes, choosing yourself is the bravest act of love you can make.
It looks like this when you try to hold on to something that is trying to escape you.
The Cracks in Their Dynamic
In the beginning, Zara and James’ relationship seemed idyllic. They had built what Zara believed was a strong foundation, with intentional conversations about marriage, family, and the kind of life they wanted to build together. But as the relationship deepened, subtle cracks began to form in their dynamic. Zara often did the emotional heavy lifting, questioning whether James truly cared for her in the same way she cared for him.
One of the first red flags Zara noticed was James’ tendency to withdraw during moments of emotional intensity. He wasn’t overtly dismissive, but when Zara wanted to discuss her challenges at work or her uncertainty about her place in the relationship, James would respond with vague reassurances or simply change the subject. Over time, Zara began to feel her emotional needs were a burden. “He doesn’t shut me out completely,” Zara explained during one of our Zoom sessions, “but it’s like he only lets me get so close before there’s this invisible wall I can’t break through.”
James’ behaviour triggered Zara’s anxious attachment style, amplifying her insecurities and her need for constant reassurance. She checked in with him more frequently, sending text messages to gauge his mood or calling after noticing his social media activity. But instead of bringing them closer, Zara’s efforts often pushed James further away. “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells,” she admitted. “I don’t want to scare him off, but I also don’t want to pretend everything’s fine when it’s not.”
Their dynamic became a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal: Zara would seek connection and validation, while James would retreat in response to what he perceived as emotional overwhelm. For James, who displayed traits of avoidant attachment, Zara’s emotional intensity felt like a threat to his sense of autonomy. “He doesn’t say it outright, but I know he thinks I’m too much,” Zara confessed. “It makes me doubt whether I’m lovable or just hard to deal with.”
In one particularly revealing session, Zara shared an incident highlighting the growing cracks in their relationship. She had planned a weekend getaway for them, something she hoped would rekindle their connection. But James seemed distant throughout the trip, spending more time on his phone than engaging with her. He responded lukewarmly when she asked him about it: “I didn’t realise you felt like I wasn’t present. I thought we were fine.” For Zara, another moment reinforced her fear that James wasn’t fully invested. For James, it reflected his struggle to balance intimacy with his need for space.
As we unpacked these moments in our sessions, it became clear that the cracks in their dynamic were rooted in more profound, unspoken fears. Zara feared abandonment and craved closeness, while James feared vulnerability and sought to protect his independence. Neither of them was wrong for feeling the way they did. Still, their inability to address these fears together left their relationship fragile.
This section sets the stage for understanding how Zara’s anxious attachment style interacted with James’ avoidant tendencies, creating a pattern that both struggled to break.
Should I stay or should I go?
When Anxiety Meets Avoidance
The interplay between anxious and avoidant attachment styles is like two dancers moving to entirely different rhythms. Zara, with her anxious attachment, craved closeness and emotional intimacy. For her, love was about consistent reassurance, shared vulnerability, and a sense of safety in knowing her partner was equally invested. On the other hand, James, with his avoidant tendencies, needed space to feel secure in the relationship. For him, love meant preserving his independence while cautiously engaging with intimacy on his own terms. Together, their contrasting needs created a cycle of emotional push and pull.
During one of our sessions, Zara shared how she would overthink small moments in her relationship with James. A missed phone call or a delayed text reply would send her into a spiral of worry. “I can’t help but feel like he’s avoiding me,” she admitted. “Even when he says he’s busy, my mind just doesn’t stop. I start wondering if I’ve done something wrong.” Zara’s need for reassurance often led her to send multiple follow-up messages or call James repeatedly, not out of distrust but because she sought comfort in knowing he was still emotionally present.
However, her attempts to bridge the emotional gap often had the opposite effect. James would interpret Zara’s behaviours as pressure, which triggered his avoidant instincts. Instead of reassuring her, he would withdraw further, creating a loop of misunderstanding. For Zara, his withdrawal felt like rejection, intensifying her efforts to connect. For James, her persistence felt overwhelming, reinforcing his desire for distance.
James’ Avoidant Responses
James, in his own way, was deeply committed to Zara, but his attachment style made emotional vulnerability a challenge. “He’s not a bad person,” Zara said during a phone session. “I know he cares about me, but he struggles to show it in a way that makes me feel secure.” James would often respond to Zara’s emotional bids with what she described as “logical detachment.” When she expressed her fears or insecurities, his instinct was to minimise the situation or offer a practical solution rather than sit with her feelings.
For example, when Zara spoke about feeling neglected, James responded, “I don’t know why you’re upset. I’ve been here, haven’t I?” To him, his physical presence should have been enough, but for Zara, emotional presence was just as crucial. His inability—or unwillingness—to engage with her emotional depth left Zara feeling unseen and invalidated. In turn, James felt like Zara was asking for something he couldn’t provide, which only heightened his avoidance.
The Dance of Pursuit and Withdrawal
This dynamic, known as the anxious-avoidant trap, often creates a self-perpetuating cycle. Zara’s need for emotional closeness would activate James’ fear of being overwhelmed, causing him to withdraw. His withdrawal would then trigger Zara’s fear of abandonment, leading her to pursue him even more intensely. Neither of them was intentionally trying to hurt the other. Still, their attachment styles magnified their insecurities, making it difficult for them to find common ground.
Zara shared a particularly poignant moment about an argument over James’ tendency to avoid conflict. “Whenever I try to bring up something serious, he shuts down,” she said. “It’s like he’d rather ignore the problem than deal with it.” This left Zara feeling like her concerns didn’t matter, which only fueled her anxiety. For James, however, conflict felt like an emotional minefield he couldn’t navigate. “I just want peace,” he had told Zara during one of their discussions, inadvertently dismissing her need for resolution.
The Root of the Problem
As we explored this dynamic in our sessions, it became clear that Zara and James acted out of deeply rooted fears. Zara’s fear of abandonment stemmed from her childhood experiences of feeling overlooked. James’ fear of vulnerability likely came from growing up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged. While their fears were valid, their inability to address them together created a barrier to genuine connection.
“Sometimes, it feels like we’re speaking different languages,” Zara said during FaceTime. “I’m trying to say, ‘I need you,’ and he’s hearing, ‘You’re not enough.’” This insight was pivotal because it highlighted the unintentional miscommunication in anxious-avoidant relationships.
Bridging the Gap
To help Zara and James move toward a healthier dynamic, we began discussing strategies to break the cycle. For Zara, the focus was on learning to self-soothe and communicate her needs without overwhelming James. For James, the goal was to recognise his avoidant tendencies and create space for emotional connection without feeling like he was losing his autonomy. These strategies weren’t about changing who they were but finding ways to meet each other halfway.
Who am I when I choose to love myself?
Practical Strategies to Break the Cycle
Breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle between Zara and James required more than just surface-level adjustments. It demanded a commitment to self-awareness, mutual understanding, and a willingness to challenge deeply ingrained patterns. During our sessions, whether over Zoom, FaceTime, or reflective exercises, they worked on tools and strategies that could help them bridge their emotional divide. The goal was not to “fix” each other but to create a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.
Zara’s Journey Toward Self-Soothing
Zara’s anxious attachment often led her to seek reassurance from James at the first sign of distance. This pattern unintentionally placed a heavy emotional burden on him, leaving Zara feeling more insecure when he didn’t respond as she hoped. To break this cycle, Zara needed to develop self-soothing techniques that would allow her to regulate her emotions independently.
Steps Taken:
Mindfulness Practice: Zara began practising mindfulness each morning and whenever she felt overwhelmed. She used deep breathing exercises to calm her racing thoughts and bring her focus back to the present.
Journaling for Clarity: I encouraged Zara to journal whenever she felt triggered. She wrote about her feelings, the fears that surfaced, and whether those fears were based on reality or assumptions. This helped her separate James’ actions from her past insecurities.
Creating a “Pause” Rule: Instead of immediately reacting when she felt anxious (e.g., sending multiple texts), Zara agreed to wait 30 minutes before responding. During that time, she reflected on what she truly needed and whether the situation required immediate resolution.
Results: Over time, Zara found that self-soothing gave her a sense of control over her emotions. “I don’t feel like I’m spiralling as much,” she said during one session. “I’m learning to calm myself down without needing James to do it for me.”
James’ Efforts to Create Emotional Space Without Disconnection
James’ avoidant tendencies often led him to withdraw when overwhelmed, leaving Zara feeling abandoned and unseen. While James valued his independence, he recognised that this pattern harmed their relationship. Together, we worked on ways for him to create emotional space without completely shutting Zara out.
Steps Taken:
Active Listening Exercises: During sessions, James practised active listening, repeating what Zara said to ensure he understood her feelings. Instead of dismissing her concerns, he learned to say, “I hear that you’re feeling anxious because I’ve been distant. Can we talk about it?”
Scheduled Check-Ins: James agreed to schedule regular “check-ins” with Zara, where they could discuss how they were feeling and address any brewing tensions. These moments helped James feel less blindsided by emotional conversations while giving Zara the reassurance she needed.
Expressing Boundaries Clearly: James worked on expressing his need for space without making Zara feel rejected. Instead of withdrawing completely, he would say, “I need some time to recharge, but I’ll call you later tonight.”
Results: James found that setting boundaries respectfully and transparently reduced his overwhelming feelings. “It’s not as scary as I thought,” he admitted. “Zara reacts better when I’m honest about what I need.”
Reframing Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth
Conflict had always been a point of contention for Zara and James. For Zara, it felt like a test of their relationship’s strength, and for James, it threatened his emotional safety. To help them navigate conflict more effectively, we reframed it as an opportunity for growth rather than a sign of incompatibility.
Steps Taken:
Using “I” Statements: Zara practised expressing her feelings using “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my texts,” rather than an accusatory language like “You never care about me.”
Problem-Solving Together: Instead of focusing on who was right or wrong, Zara and James worked on finding solutions together. For example, they agreed to establish a “cooling-off” period during heated arguments, followed by a calm discussion.
Identifying Shared Goals: We explored what Zara and James wanted from the relationship—love, trust, and emotional support—and used these goals to resolve conflicts.
Results: Over time, Zara and James began to approach disagreements with more empathy and less defensiveness. “It’s not about winning anymore,” Zara said. “We’re learning how to understand each other instead of just trying to be right.”
Building Individual Lives Outside the Relationship
One of the key breakthroughs in our sessions was helping Zara and James realise the importance of maintaining their individuality within the relationship. Zara, in particular, had placed so much of her identity and self-worth on her connection with James that it left her feeling empty whenever he pulled away.
Steps Taken:
Zara’s Personal Growth Plan:
New Activities: Zara joined a local cooking class and improv group, which helped her build confidence and discover new passions outside the relationship.
Strengthening Friendships: She reconnected with old friends and started leaning on her support network for emotional validation rather than relying solely on James.
Practising Gratitude: Zara began listing three things she appreciated about herself each day, reinforcing her sense of self-worth.
James’ Self-Reflection:
Therapeutic Journaling: James journaled about his avoidant tendencies and reflected on how they affected his relationships.
Solo Time with Purpose: Instead of withdrawing out of fear, James used his alone time to recharge and reflect on how he could contribute healthily to the relationship.
Results: By building their individual lives, Zara and James found they had more to bring to the relationship. “I feel like I’m not losing myself anymore,” Zara said during a FaceTime session. “I’m starting to see that I’m enough, with or without James.”
Recognising When It’s Time to Let Go
As Zara became more assertive in her sense of self, she began questioning whether the relationship served her. “I’m starting to see that James isn’t the problem—it’s the dynamic we’ve created together,” she said during a pivotal session. While she still loved James, she realised that his unwillingness to fully engage with their emotional challenges might mean the relationship had reached its limit.
Steps Taken:
Reflecting on Non-Negotiables: Zara listed her core needs in a relationship—emotional availability, consistency, and mutual effort—and compared them to what she was receiving.
Creating a Vision for the Future: She envisioned a secure, fulfilling relationship and asked herself whether James could meet her there.
Practising Self-Compassion: Zara reminded herself that walking away didn’t mean failure; it meant choosing her Wellbeing.
Results: Ultimately, Zara made the difficult decision to end the relationship. While it was painful, she found solace in knowing that she was prioritising her growth and happiness. “It’s not about whether James changes or not,” she reflected. “It’s about me choosing to stop settling for less than I deserve.”
Zara’s Journey of Empowerment
Zara’s story powerfully reminds us that love alone isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship. It takes mutual effort, emotional accountability, and a willingness to grow together. While Zara’s journey with James ended, it began a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with herself.
As Zara said in our final session, “For the first time in a long time, I feel free. Not because I’m single but because I’m finally embracing who I am. And that’s enough.”
