The Art of Mutual Attraction: Why We Should Pursue Those Who Pursue Us

In love and relationships, getting caught up in the idea of chasing the unattainable is easy. We romanticise the pursuit, turning rejection into a challenge and indifference into a test of our worth. But here’s a truth that bears repeating: relationships thrive when interest flows both ways. Duke Dennis, a popular YouTuber, framed it simply: “I only pursue women who like me.”

It’s not a revolutionary statement. But it’s a reminder—one we often forget—that mutual interest is essential for building a healthy connection. Chasing people not interested in you isn’t just emotionally exhausting; it’s a roadblock to finding the kind of relationship you deserve.

The Allure of the Chase

Many grew up believing that the chase is part of love’s magic. Movies, books, and music often depict relentless pursuit leading to romantic triumph. We’re told to “win someone over” as if love is a prize that requires persistence rather than partnership.

But chasing someone who isn’t equally invested doesn’t lead to love; it leads to frustration and imbalance. Relationships are at their best when people are equally drawn to each other—when the connection doesn’t feel like an uphill climb but a shared journey.

Thinking of it this way: pursuing someone uninterested is like trying to water a plant with a broken watering can. You can keep trying, but you’ll never see growth without the right tools—like mutual effort and care. Genuine relationships thrive on reciprocity, not unbalanced energy.

Why Mutual Interest Matters

Psychologists call it “reciprocal liking,” the simple yet powerful idea that we’re naturally drawn to people who show genuine interest in us. This isn’t just a nice thought—it’s backed by research. Studies published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reveal that mutual attraction builds trust, strengthens bonds, and lays the groundwork for long-term connection.

In the UK, a 2020 YouGov survey found that 58% of Brits believe mutual respect and effort are the most critical aspects of a healthy relationship. Mutual interest eliminates power imbalances, where one person feels undervalued or expendable. Instead, it creates space for both people to feel seen, appreciated, and cared for.

Why We Chase People Who Aren’t Interested

If mutual interest is so significant, why do so many people chase partners who aren’t invested in them? The reasons are complex but often tied to our emotions and experiences.

The Ego Trap

For some, pursuing someone unattainable feels like a test of their value. Winning over a reluctant partner becomes a way to prove they’re worthy of love. But this mindset creates a dynamic where love feels conditional—something to be earned rather than freely given.

Attachment Styles

Research shows that attachment styles significantly affect how we approach relationships. Those with anxious attachments are likelier to chase unavailable partners, clinging to the hope that their love will eventually be reciprocated. Meanwhile, avoidant types might subconsciously seek out unreciprocated love to avoid true intimacy.

Cultural Narratives

Culturally, “the chase” is romanticised, especially for men. In Black British communities, pride and resilience are often emphasised, making it harder for some to admit when they’re chasing someone who isn’t interested. Add to this the pressures of social media, where relationship “wins” are constantly broadcasted, and it’s easy to see why people fall into this trap.

The Harm of Chasing the Uninterested

Chasing someone who isn’t interested is not only emotionally draining but also damaging to your self-esteem. Over time, this dynamic can create feelings of inadequacy as you internalise that you’re not “enough” to deserve their affection.

Unbalanced relationships also breed resentment. When one pursues everything, it’s easy to feel taken for granted. The emotional energy you pour into the relationship goes unreceived, leaving you empty and questioning your worth.

Studies from the UK’s National Centre for Social Research show that unbalanced relationships often lead to higher rates of emotional distress, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. In contrast, partnerships based on mutual effort and respect foster more robust emotional Wellbeing.

How to Prioritise Mutual Interest

Choosing relationships where mutual interest exists is an act of self-respect. Here are practical steps to embrace the power of reciprocity:

Observe Their Effort

Relationships are about give and take. If you’re constantly texting first, planning dates, or initiating conversations, it’s time to pause. Mutual interest shows itself in the effort, not just in words.

Trust Their Actions, Not Their Potential

Sometimes, we fall for the idea of what someone could be rather than who they are. But someone who genuinely likes you will show it through consistent actions, not just promises of future change.

Let Go of the Need to Prove Yourself

You don’t need to chase someone to demonstrate your worth. The right person will recognise and appreciate your value without requiring a grand performance.

Embrace Being Wanted

Many people struggle to accept genuine affection, dismissing it as “too easy” or “not exciting.” But being liked isn’t dull—it’s the foundation of a strong relationship. Let yourself be pursued.

Set Boundaries

If you notice you’re the only one making an effort, stepping back is okay. Setting boundaries protects your energy and ensures you invest in relationships that give back.

What Mutual Interest Looks Like

A healthy relationship is like a well-balanced dance. Both partners move in sync, supporting and uplifting each other. Mutual interest doesn’t mean things are always perfect, but both people are equally invested in making it work.

Pursuing someone who likes you back creates space for trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety. There’s no guessing, no overthinking, no wondering where you stand. Instead, there’s clarity and comfort in knowing that your feelings are returned.

A Reminder to Value Mutual Interest

Duke Dennis’s perspective isn’t groundbreaking, but it’s an important reminder to pursue relationships where interest flows both ways. This isn’t about strategy or profound insights—it’s about embracing the kind of connection that feels natural and reciprocal. Mutual interest is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, where respect, trust, and emotional safety are built.

Life’s too short to waste time convincing someone of your worth or chasing after connections that don’t serve you. Instead, focus on the relationships where affection and effort are mutual. Pursuing those who embrace you isn’t just about finding love—it’s about honouring yourself and recognising that you deserve to be met with the same energy you give.

By valuing mutual interest, you’re not settling but choosing relationships that uplift and empower you. This is not profound; it’s simply a reminder that love thrives where it’s nurtured equally. Choose to stop chasing and start choosing what’s good for your heart.